Monday, March 22, 2010

Its been awhile...

Last night I was going through my google reader and came up on a post with a womans face and on the bottom was news that she had passed away. I clicked on the link and she was a woman in her 30s with a heart condition and weighed 300lbs. Her blog was about her struggle, she had just joined Weight Watchers and was stuck with her weight loss, she wasnt showing much improvement. Over the weekend she had a heart attack at Walmart and died. I was so sad to hear this, I didnt know her but the fact that she was so young and taken away from her family was awful. The situation also scared me! I am not 300lbs but the reality is that if I keep this up I will be, and I will cut my life short...and I am not ready yet! I havent had my dream job, I havent had my dream wedding, I havent started my family, I just havent started LIFE! and I am not ready to die....

This past weekend I went to Vegas, and I was absolutely mortified. Every pic was tear inducing. I am so upset with myself. I am upset for not caring enough about my body to keep it healthy. I am upset that I cringe after seeing my reflection in the mirror. I am upset that I would rather be at home in my pjs hiding from the world because I am too embarrased about my weight and it keeps me from truly living my life!

I always try to tell myself hey your a nice girl and at certain angles you are pretty. It could be worse. Dont worry you dont have to own a full length mirror.

I am sad to think of what will happen to me, will I die? Will I give up? Will I hide forever? Will I ever get married and have a family?

I dont want to feel this way! I hate it! I dont know whats next but for today I have been drinking more water, and made some good food choices. Tomorrow who knows?


Irresistible♥Icing said...

That is such a sad story :(

I can relate to everything you are feeling though. You are not going to die and give up, or keep hiding.

Of course you will get married and have a gorgeous family! You are beautiful!

We all go through this ups and downs with weight loss. I been going through it all my life girl. I can relate. I just lost 40 lbs (and have 40 more to go). I still get those moments where I feel horrible and others where I feel great. Keep your head up and stay focused on your goals. Set mini-goals.

Damn, I'm rambling. BUT, I get it. I live it every day :)Feel free to reach out if you need to vent or chat!


Amy Silver said...

I think every girl in this entire world has felt this way at least one time or another, so don't feel alone! For some, (like myself) this is a lifetime struggle to feel happy at the weight they are. There is no point you get to where you don't feel insecure at moments, but you learn to deal with them better and focus on your good qualities instead. Don't let this stop your progress, I read your blog all the time and you are doing so well! I agree with the person above, set mini goals! Do NOT let one little bump get you down! We all have to have cheat days or cheat weeks (haha), and one of those isn't going to add 20 pounds on you, so give yourself a break, you are doing what you can and you are doing more than half the people in this world. Keep it up and if you need some encouragement, let me know!

Audra said...

It's funny that you came over to my blog and said that you could have written my post, because I could definitely have written yours. I, too, struggle with those same fears.

Sometimes, I just want to throw my hands in the air and scream at the top of my lungs, "IT'S NOT FAIR!"

Some people can eat/do whatever they want and they are skinny and healthy. But people like us actually TRY and really work at it, and it's so incredibly difficult. I feel as though I've given up, because I don't know what else to do.


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